Greetings and welcome to a holiday edition of Ask ARSE.
We have a very topical question from a young reader who wants to know how something very magical and seemingly impossible happens.
So without further ado, let's: Ask ARSE.
My daughter Molly is at an inquisitive age and wants to know exactly how Santa's sleigh works. She can see how we fill the car up, and how she pushes the pedals on her bike, but wants to know how Santa's reindeer pull the sleigh through the air.
Thanks and keep doing what you're doing,
Thanks for the message Trish and tell Molly we are onto it!
We get a lot of boring questions here, so we'd just like to say thank you and good stuff getting into the Christmas spirit.
As we sit here and write this to you there are over 600 million children who celebrate Christmas that Santa has to visit all over the world.
If you divide that up by how many kids share a house, brothers and sisters that is, Santa would need to visit about 170 million homes on Christmas Eve.
Now with the different time zones over Earth, Santa has about 31 hours to get all these visits done.
That means Santa has less than a one-thousandth of a second to park, hop out, slide down the chimney, neatly put the presents under the tree & fill the stockings, eat all the cookies and milk the kids leave out for him before heading back the way he came and doing it all over again.
You can check our calculations here.
We know what you're thinking, "Golly, how does Santa do it AND ride his sleigh from every house?"
Well, not without some help.
The first special reason Santa can get all those presents to all those kids all over the world is simple...
Isn't it funny how some kids don't believe in Santa, let alone that he has a sleigh that can fly around the world in a single night?
Anyway, how Santa's very special sleigh works is no big secret.
"But if it's no big secret, why aren't there cats and dogs and cows flying everywhere?" we hear you say.
The reason is simple.
Ever since the population on Earth has grown, the magical reindeer couldn't cut it anymore, even though Santa still brings them for old time's sake.
To keep up with more and more kids celebrating Christmas, St Nick needed some help...
Santa's sleigh has a special upgrade commissioned by Elon Musk's SpaceX that thrusts him around the world at near break necks speeds.
The reason Elon Musk won't replicate this model sleigh for anyone as he signed a non-disclosure agreement with Santa who has the design patented and copyrighted.
It takes a lot of special mechanics and a lot of Christmas cheer to fuel the sleigh, just like mummy and daddy's car uses harmful fossil fuels that are burning the world alive.
Even if someone did have the engine, they'd need to have enough love and belief in them to fuel it and no one is loved as much as Santa.
Not even Jesus!
That's great and all, but how does Santa get all the extra work dropping off presents done with such little time?
How fast you do it isn't the issue.
Santa has a special stopwatch that with a single click can freeze time.
So really, Santa has as much time as he needs!
But unlike Christmas cheer fuelling the sleigh, the stopwatch is fuelled by the tears of Melania Trump who never grows old.
Pretty clever huh?
Plus with what she goes through day-to-day, Santa has enough tears to last the next 20,000 years.
So in a roundabout way, Trump is fuelling Christmas.
We appreciate you getting behind ARSE little Molly and we wish you a happy holiday season.
PS: Sounds like you're on the nice list, keep it up.
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